Saturday, December 4, 2010

Make It What You Want It

          After many weeks of questioning why God placed me here at Point Loma, I finally have found somewhat of the answer. 
A little bit of background--
          Over the last few weeks, I've really been feeling confused as to why I was actually at the physical place that I was. I found myself asking questions like, why am I spending all this money to go here when I don't even have a clue about my future? What do you want from me God? What do you want right now? Or tomorrow? Or next year? I'm so lost. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Will I be here in a year? What have I been doing??
          To be honest, I was kind of disappointed at the community I found here. I chose to come to a Christan school so I would be surrounded by people on fire for God and ready to challenge me and help me grow. Not to say there's no one here that loves the Lord...I have connected with some truly incredible, Christ seeking people...but as a whole community, it just wasn't what I was expecting. Having a feeling of somewhat being surrounded by hypocrites, and people who don't seem to really be here for the right reasons was kind of bringing me down. Then I would look at a school like Oregon State...a state school, for cryin' out loud...and see them have what seems to be a better Christian communities than I felt we did here. I had to ask myself, why? Why is it that I wasn't getting as much Christ centered relationships at a Christian schools, as some of my friends seemed to be getting at a state school? We've gotten lazy.
          At the peak of all this confusion, I went to a pray/worship night in the greek with some other students. A lot of the people who were there I recognized, but I didn't actually know a lot of them. We worshiped some, then just started randomly sharing things that God had been teaching us recently. After a few people shared, I felt like I needed to speak up. I shared how I didn't really know what I was doing here, how I didn't get why OSU had a better community than we did...I mean, that's the whole reason I came here! I shared more of the struggles I'd been going through. Little did I know, I was preaching to the choir. Then it really hit me--here we are, all these people feeling alone when really all we need to do is come together! Think of what the community would be like if all these people who were struggling with the same thing were intentional about not letting those things happen! We don't want to be someone we're not, but so far on this campus we feel like we're changing...and just can't help it. But together, we can! We need to make this community the community that we want it to be. It doesn't just happen, we make it happen. This may be difficult, but we just have to focus and make a conscious effort to really create this environment. 
          So after a bit of trying to start things, a not really being successful, I started to get discouraged again. Why wasn't it just WORKING? God, this is so hard! Why me? I am so busy already. Is this really what you want me to be doing? ....and yet again, God proved to be so faithful. Why do I ever question him? I was at a prayer meeting writing down all these questions and pondering again what I was really doing. Later that night, my friend Abbie shoots me a text saying "God gave me some words for you". The next day I met up with her and she gave me a folded up piece of notebook paper that she had written on the night before at the same prayer meeting. As she handed it to me she said "I honestly don't even remember what I wrote. This is totally from the Lord." As I read it, I almost started crying. It read...

"Kelsey--The word of the Lord:
I love you my precious daughter. You've come so far this year. Continue to pursue intimacy with me my faithful daughter. Your community is here. Create the community you want to see. I have transcended my Holy Spirit upon you."

          Thank you God for being SOO big, and watching over me. As I grow older, and in deeper relation with my Heavenly Father, I realize more and more just how small I am, and how big he is. He's got me just where he wants me. I am here now and I need to allow myself to be used by God in any way. I am his servant, even when it may be hard, I need to be obedient and trust that the Lord know what is best for me. 

1 comment:

  1. Kelsey, this is such a powerful message and again, something I've been struggling with in the last year. I'm so glad to have you a sister-you've been gifted with discernment and bravery, to step forward and show us that we need not to lament to the Lord but use his strength to change it.
    So excited to continue to watch what the Lord puts on your heart.